Truth be told, I’m generally not a funny guy. Hang on, perhaps you mistook my meaning right out of the gate. And by the gate, I don’t mean to say you’re a horse or a cow.
I just mean, well, I just mean…
I mean, maybe I should have changed it to…from the get-go.
Yeah, from the get-go.
Hopefully, that cleared everything up so we can press on. As I said, I’m usually not a funny guy. I don’t mean weird funny like wearing a tin hat and dreaming up conspiracy theories…
I stopped doing that last week.
I mean like funny ha, ha, and one more ha, funny.
My wife (I love you baby) tells me I was evidently born sans funny bones, although for the life of me, I don’t know where they should have been at birth. I think she’s making that sh*t up.
And guess what?
None of the doctors I’ve ever frequented made mention of a funny bone. In fact, I stole this chart off the wall of my doctor’s office during my last visit just to prove to my dearest beloved there’s no such thing.
I hope the doctor doesn’t notice it’s missing. I mean, it’s not like he keeps it on the wall because he slept through most of his skeletal anatomy classes.
Wait, there’s a thought. Maybe my doctor can’t discern the difference between phalanges and a metatarsal? And all this time I thought it was for the patients.
Talk about some serious cliff notes.
So when my dearest mentioned again, for the ten-thousandth time (I have mild OCD and count things like that) that I didn’t possess a funny bone, I whipped out the chart.
Armed with this latest bit of scientific evidentiary, I challenged, assured that for the first time in all the years of us being together, I was going to win an argument.
Not just win because she got tired and let me have my way like the petulant child I am, but actually win one. I had my big boy pants on for sure.
My baby looked at me and said, “Dear, you have two of them.” Then she pointed at my secret weapon and asked, “what does that say?”
I stared at the chart, then looked at her, then back at the chart, and then gave her one last look, a sullen expression twisting my face.
I could see the thrill of victory in her face and feel the agony of defeat building up inside. Hey, that’s a pretty nifty slogan. The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.
Maybe it’ll catch on.
And then she laid the hammer down, put a capper on it, sealed my fate, rapped the gavel, then kicked me in the arse.
“You’ve had two humorous bones all this time, dear. Humorous as in funny? Get it? You just don’t know how to use them very well.”
And then she walked away with my pride and left me holding my chart of bones.
This story was merely a fabrication to prove how seriously in need of psychological medical attention I am at this point in my life. And I hope at the very least it brought about a small giggle, perhaps a guffaw or two.
More than likely, I’m going to have to settle for a whole bunch of eye rolls.
But we need to laugh and giggle and guffaw in these viral times folks. Laughter is, as far as I’m concerned, the very best medicine there is. Granted, it’s certainly not the cure for Nasty McNasty The Micro Bug, but it sure helps with the immune system.
Frankly, I’d rather adopt quite a few more laugh lines on my face while laughing my tookus off than worry all day I could end up sucking air from a ventilator fighting for my life.
To quote a writer friend of mine, Mike Range — “Just laugh. With me or at me.”
In these dreaded and dreary times, and with the crappy hand we’re all being dealt, we need to chuckle and chortle, blow milk (or Perrier for you more cultured folks) through our noses as we all bray with laughter like mules.
Or in my case, like an ass.
We’ll come out on the other side of this. As a bunch of resilient Humans, we’ll find a way to beat this slimy green booger (too graphic?), and we’ll all find a way to live again.
It may not ever be business as usual, because our usual probably has to change for us to survive, but what it will be is the new normal. We can all get back to living the new normal again.
Let’s make sure laughter is included in our new normal. Just as we need laughter through these viral times, we’ll certainly need it afterward.
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