I’ll Have What She’s Having

Oh it’s not real? I don’t care.

Ya know, as a writer sometimes you spend weeks, even months plotting a story. Before you sit down and begin to write, you painstakingly build your plot triangles, your characterizations and outline the beginning, middle and end of the story.

Then sometimes you don’t.

This is one of those moments when the story line simply popped up in my brain and just refused to go away. And it all started with a piece a Medium sister of mine wrote.

Her pen name is traceybyfire.

Look her up folks. You’ll be glad you did. I love to read her shit and I swear to God the woman lays it out there bold and beautiful and totally unabashed. One article she wrote spells out damned good arguments on both the pro and con sides of faking the big O.

And that’s what got my old brain pan churning and then pop! The idea jumped into my head, clamped down and began chomping away like a puppy with a favorite chew toy. Something in the back of my mind kept gnawing at me, reminding me I’d seen a classic example of the deed traceybyfire wrote about in her article.

No, not porn. Paleeze.

What was it?

What the hell was it?

Oh yeah, now I remember.

It was the movie “When Harry Met Sally”. The iconic diner scene with Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal. The moment when Sally points out women fake orgasms all the time and Harry calls bullshit.

So what does Sally do?

That’s right sports fans. Sally fakes the most sensuous, titillating, porn quality orgasm right there in the diner, much to Harry’s bemusement.

On a personal note, Meg did such a great job I’m willing to bet Billy couldn’t get up from the table for at least five minutes or so.

But do you remember the famous punch line of the scene? When the waitress takes the order of a patron who was sitting at the table next to Harry and Sally? Do you remember what the lady ordered?

That’s right. She gazed over at Sally’s table and said, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

I’ll have what she’s having. The line was supposed to be funny, and it was. It cracked me up when I saw it the first time.

She wanted a romp in the sheets which would bring her to the most stunning orgasm she’d ever had. She wanted what Sally was having, but there’s a huge problem with that if you stop to think about it.

After reading the article by traceybyfire, the diner scene of “When Harry Met Sally” spoke to me a little differently. The woman was asking for something which didn’t exist; which had been fabricated on the spot and at will by Sally. It sounded so good, so real the patron wanted some too. Her statement announced to the viewing audience she wanted something she hadn’t had in a really long time.

If ever.

The supporting actress who spoke that line played the part so very well, her winsome expression clearly letting us all know she wanted to have sex like what Sally was having.

She wanted a romp in the sheets which would bring her to the most stunning orgasm she’d ever had. She wanted what Sally was having, but there’s a huge problem with that if you stop to think about it. What Sally was having was fake.

As.In.Not.Real.

What the woman wanted was nothing more than a well-fabricated illusion.

I think we all fall for a lot of fake shit and not just in the sexual arena. I think some of us are envious of a shit load of different kinds of fabrication.

I know I was for a really long time.

I wanted what the well-to-dos were having. I programmed myself to desire the shiny new cars, the expensive houses, the boats and vacation trips.

It took quite a while for me to realize the life dreams I’d chosen to live were Just like Sally’s fake orgasm. They sounded good and really looked convincing, but at the end of the day they weren’t real.

But all these life dreams of mine were little more than fabricated illusions. They were compelling and sounded wonderful, and I worked my ass off trying to get there. But for me, I finally realized my dreams just weren’t real. I, like the diner patron who wanted what Sally was having, wanted something that never existed for me.

That never existed for the real me.

It took quite a while for me to realize the life dreams I’d chosen to live were just like Sally’s fake orgasm. They sounded good and really looked convincing, but at the end of the day they weren’t real.

They weren’t what I truly wanted. Right then, as the realization broke through all the mist in my brain, I knew I needed to stop “faking it till I made it”.

The realization when it hit me was probably how Harry must have felt as he sat in embarrassed silence while Sally “climaxed” then nonchalantly took a bite of food.

Unless I’m willing to put myself out there; expose the multitude of chinks in my armor then I’m nothing more than another fake (orgasm notwithstanding) wandering aimlessly about like a million others.

Ya know folks, I’m not the sharpest tool in the tool box and it probably takes me a lot longer to experience my “ah-ha” moments than most. But I finally realized if I didn’t stop faking it, I would end up being nothing more than an illusion for the rest of my life.

This and other lifestyle epiphanies have made me realize it’s been a hell of a year so far.

After reading articles by a ton of talented people here on Medium, I’ve come to grips with the reality of things. I’ve realized it’s better to be the real me and just talk to you folks about whatever clogs up my brain than try and put something past you.

You’re all looking for the real, however raw it might be, but the real side of things. You’ve read my work, you know what I am.

You don’t expect me to write glitz and glamour and gloss (unless I’m doing an article on beauty products — then it would be okay right?).

Unless I’m willing to put myself out there; expose the multitude of chinks in my armor then I’m nothing more than another fake (orgasm notwithstanding) wandering aimlessly about like a million others.

When you read my stuff you may get off — or not — and then, well, you’ll just get off.

We all want to have what Sally’s having from time to time. There’ll be times we fake an orgasm or two either to please ourselves or our partners.

I get what traceybyfire is laying down.

However, sometimes — a lot of times — we need to get better at spotting the fake things about ourselves and others. What’s the old saying? All that glitters is not gold?

Yeah, sometimes it might not just be a fake orgasm you end up experiencing.

Thanks so much to my Medium sister traceybyfire who’s writing inspired this article.

Let’s keep in touch: paul@pgbarnett.com

Written by

A published author enjoying married Texas bliss. Dog person living with cats. A writer of Henry James' stories. Featured In MuckRack. Top Writer In Fiction.

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