Irreverent Perspectives On Really, Really Stupid Stuff.
I have never professed to be the smartest person in the world.
In fact, most of my friends and colleagues often agree with this observation, some pointing out my inept grasp of certain concepts a little less tactfully than others.
Hey, I admit it.
Most times I’m not even the smartest person in the room. If I was I would already know the answers to these questions keeping me up at night.
But if I was the smartest person in the room shouldn’t I be smart enough to follow the teachings of Confucius and find another room?
The problem is once I do I again become a simpleton with more questions than answers. In the new room I would revert to being an average curmudgeon, living in a world of the unknown.
Again constantly searching for answers.
You know the questions I’m talking about don’t you?
Sure you do.
I’m talking about things beyond explanation, far from the reach of comprehension.
I’m talking about inexplicable oddities which make us scratch our heads in puzzlement.
Questions such as:
*Why don’t vampires ever go to the dentist?
*If, while in human form, a werewolf clips its finger and toe nails will their nails be long and sharp when they shapeshift?
*Do ghosts ever take their clothing to the cleaners?
*If a demon has red eyes why doesn’t it use eye drops?
Like I said stuff that keeps us up at night.
Okay, maybe only me.
But think about it folks.
I’ve read Anne Rice and there’s not a single reference I could find where the vampire characters in her stories ever scheduled an appointment to a dentist.
I’ve watched the Twilight Series and not a single time did Edward or Bella deliver their lines with a dentist’s suction tube stuck in their mouths.
A little note on Bella — she came off a little needy to me.
Guess falling in love with a vampire and wanting to be changed does that to a person.
I’ve poured over each scene of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I never saw an instance where Buffy’s victims sat in a dentist chair struggling through a filling or a molar extraction as Buffy plunged a stake in their hearts.
It just doesn’t make sense to me. Every creature on this planet at one time or another is forced to endure some kind of dental situation.
Why doesn’t a vampire?
And then there’s this nagging question about werewolves and their nails.
We all know what happens when we break a nail, snag a nail or even chew on a nail. It’s time to bring out the clippers and the nail files, trim the nails down and file them neat.
So when a werewolf does that while in human form does it mean when they shapeshift they now have to battle their foes with shortened claws?
Isn’t that kind of like bringing your guns to a fight but leaving the bullets at home?
Oh, and what about all the ghosts out there?
There’s this troubling situation with ghosts.
Whether they’re cloaked in wavering sheets — novice ghosts in training — or blood smeared, shredded clothing I don’t remember ever seeing a naked ghost.
No folks, Casper doesn’t count.
I’m talking real ghosts, not cartoon manifestations.
However, these apparitions we’ve seen appearing more horrifically dead than imaginable probably have a good excuse.
You try walking through walls, pushing furniture across a floor, moving dusty boxes about in the attic, opening kitchen cabinet doors and hurling dishes around and see if you don’t look a mess when you’re done.
But as I said, I’ve never seen a naked ghost so after all that muss I guess they never take their clothes to the cleaners.
And then the Captain Obvious question.
If a demon’s eyes are always red why don’t they just use eye drops?
We all know a couple of drops of Clear Eye will fix that issue right up right?
What the heck is wrong with these bloodshot eyeballed dudes and dudettes?
This is all pretty heady stuff and far beyond my ability to comprehend.
So much so I tracked down a colleague who teaches paranormal phycology and asked for help.
She smiled at me, an almost condescending grin of exasperation — I get that a lot — and set me straight.
“P.G., P.G., P.G.,” she said with a shake of her head and a gentle cluck of her tongue, “vampires are the epitome of the undead. As such their bodies do not change from the moment they transform.
“Their bodies never change from that moment on and neither do their teeth. Thus they never have need of a dentist.”
I nodded my head but remained silent. She eyed me with a serious stare and took a sip of her chamomile tea, sighed and returned the cup to the saucer.
“Shapeshifters,” she intoned, “such as the werewolves you speak of, control the final outcome of their shape. It doesn’t matter whether or not their nails are short when they are in human form.
“When they shift, they are certain to have all the facilities required with which to do battle.”
I nodded and again as she eased the cup to her lips and took another long, maddeningly slow sip of tea. When she returned the porcelain cup to the saucer she continued.
“The idea that ghosts would even consider taking their clothes to the cleaners is preposterous. You have a warped mind my friend. I’ll give you that.”
“I know,” I said, “it’s kind of scary huh?”
“Like ghosts right?”
We both laughed at that.
“Ghosts are apparitions,” she informed.
“Snapshots of themselves the moment in time they depart from mortality. With each instance what you see is how they are, or were. It’s their momentary slice of existence between life and death and they are trapped there until such time as they have satisfied their angst and move on. When you see them, you see an image of their last moments, or their most cherished moments when they were alive.”
“So what if I died in the bathtub reading a book by T. J. Kelly and that’s my most cherished moment?”
My colleague frowned and pushed the index fingers of both hands against her lips.
“Then I suppose that’s how we’d see you. Please tell me it’s a bubble bath.”
“Whatever. So what about the demons?”
“That one my friend is quite simple. Demons can take any form they wish and any color of eyes they want. Eye drops will certainly not solve the issue as the demon chooses the color.
“Most times when they hunt they spend their time in the shadows. In those conditions red is the most effective. Think of them as having infrared sight and the ability to see anything, the slightest motion, even without light. They will see you but you will never see them.”
I wanted to ask her more but she glanced at her watch and hastily drained her tea, two moves which told me she had a class to teach. But that was okay because she’d just explained the mysteries of my universe.
Now I can sleep at night.
Oh, by the way folks. Should I pass on while in the bathtub reading a book by T. J. Kelly, I’ll try to show a bit of decorum if I appear as a spirit.
I think a good book ought to cover it.
Let’s keep in touch: firstname.lastname@example.org
© P.G. Barnett 2019. All Rights Reserved.