Seeking To Discover
Someday, somewhere from my brain of jumbled thoughts I will discover the right words to say:
Words which will flow naturally from me to the blank page just as the blood coursing through my veins.
Words that are spun into ideas which will change a perspective, give hope to those in need, cast down the ugliness of anger, give a nation cause to rise up against an atrocity.
Someday, somewhere in my heart I will find the right emotion:
A passion which when painted with my words elicits tears of joy or anguish, spurs a tightness in the chest, a shortness of breath, a gasp of surprise.
An elusive emotion which I know rests still and quiet inside of me, lurking there for decades. A side of me I have never allowed to surface, content to hold it at bay for none but myself to feel. Mixed with shades of darkness and light I know these passions wait for me to discover them and set them free.
Someday, somewhere in my soul I will learn to share:
The truth of my very being.
My perception of who I really am beneath the skin.
All my faults and frailties, my loves lost and gained, my failures as a husband, friend and father.
The anguish I feel inside as I sometimes dwell on all the mistakes I’ve made. The sadness and hopeless sensations which weigh heavy in my chest. Which squeeze at my heart when I realize there may never be a day from here until death offering me a chance to alter the outcomes of the paths I’ve chosen.
The bitterness of knowing I will never be able to turn back time and make those bad decisions right.
Moments when I felt ashamed of my own inaction, my willingness to avoid conflict at all cost when I should have fought injustices inflicted against myself and others.
Those ever so fleeting slices of my existence when I felt worthy, justified, proud and almost invincible.
My understanding of the emotional damage I have done to others and myself by blindly lurching forward at all costs.
Realizations I can only do the best I can and continue to move forward.
The truth of me.
Someday somewhere, I will find the courage:
To open myself up to the world and let them see what only I can see.
And demonstrate the tenderness inside of me, this fragile heart of mine which is often shattered by the simplest things.
To speak of the daily anxiety laden fears I will never do enough, say enough, write enough, believe in myself enough, be man enough, husband enough, friend enough, or father enough.
And withstand the rigors of what life has brought me, and what the rest of my living will bring.
I will finally rest.
But until that day comes I will continue to seek. I will always be searching to discover the perfect words to speak. I will look for better ways to share of myself. I will open my heart up for the sweetest of emotions. I will find ways to summon the courage to stand alone or with others against injustice.
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© P.G. Barnett 2019. All Rights Reserved.