Some of us more worldly folks are often fluent in several languages. And I suppose there are many ways to master languages such as Chinese, French, Spanish, Italian, and German for example.
You can learn these by virtue of birth and osmosis, or you can master a language using Babel, Rosetta Stone, or even classroom environment and a lot of practice.
But here’s the rub. I don’t recall ever seeing formalized classes for Texan.
Neither Babel nor Rosetta Stone offer courses in Texan. There aren’t any instruction pamphlets or books on the topic. Unless you’ve lived in Texas for awhile or even gone to school in Texas you’re shit out of luck when it comes to understanding Texan.
I totally get it. I don’t know, maybe the Texan language has long been lumped into the English category.
And therein lays the fundamental problem. It ain’t English.
So for all my Medium friends who are thinking about coming to Texas, living in Texas or passing through Texas, please indulge me as I offer you simple Texan translations of the English language.
Just studying these nine translations and a little practice will help you should you decide to visit our fair state and stay for a spell.
1. You, Y’all, All Y’all
English: “So how about you (one person) drop in for a cup of coffee? If you’d like to bring a friend (two people) that would fine. As a matter of fact I’m thinking it would be great if we invited our neighbors (more than two people) over for a wine and cheese tasting. Wouldn’t that be great?”
Texan: “So you (one person) wanna come over for a couple of beers? Y’all (two people ) can come too. If all ya’ll (three or more people) wanna come I’ll fire up the grill and we can char half a cow and some corn and taters.”
English: “Did you hear what he did? The man is such a reprobate. I’m so sorry she has to deal with his antics.”
Texan: “I got to tell ya, that man is a sorry no account excuse for a human being.”
3. Fixin’ to Get er done
English: “Henry’s in the garage fixing the lawn mower.”
Texan: “Yeah I wished you’d stop nagging about the lawn mower. I told you I was fixin’ to get er done.”
4. Damn Fool
English: “He was such a fool to think he could actually make that business work. Look at all the money he wasted and how his family suffered because of his stupidity.”
Texan: “That man’s a damn fool for what he done to his wife and kids. A damn fool.”
5. Bless Her Heart
English: “Oh the poor dear. She tried so hard. But for some reason no one tried those cookies she brought to the bake sale. I’m afraid she really needs to learn how to bake.”
Texan: “Did you try Aunt Betsy’s cookies? If ya dropped one on your foot it would have broke a toe. Bless her heart.”
6. Isn’t That Special
English: “Wow, I had no idea he wanted to be an artist and paint. Is he taking lessons? Maybe he needs to.”
Texan: “I ain’t no expert but that painting ain’t like any thing I’ve ever seen. ‘Spect it looks more like the ass end of a heifer. Isn’t that special?”
English: “He was standing a little too close when he lit the burner of his gas grill. It scorched all the hair off of one arm, but the doctor say’s he’ll be fine.”
Texan: The damn fool was standing too close when he lit the damn thing. He lit out running in the back yard like his ass was on fire. Bless his heart.”
8. All Hat And No Cattle
English: “I’m so tired of dealing with her bullshit. She acts like such a diva sometimes. I wish she’d just stop putting on such a pretentious show every time we get together.”
Texan: “That girl’s all hat and no cattle.”
9. Drug through a knothole backwards
English: “I’m exhausted. I’ve been standing on my feet all day. All I want to do is take a bubble bath, light some candles and have a glass of wine.”
Texan: “I’m so done in I feel like I been drug through a knothole backwards. All’s I want to do is take a B.C. powder and soak my dogs in Epsom salts.”
So there you have it all ya’ll. Some brief translations from English to Texan.
Just remember. If you’re fixin’ to come to Texas and spend some time it’s okay if you don’t master the language immediately. We’ll understand you’re trying your best, but try not to go overboard on your first visit.
We’ll spot the fact you’re all hat and no cattle pretty quick. But even if we do, we’ll still offer you a gentile smile and words of praise for your effort.
“Isn’t that special, well bless your heart.”
I’m not saying it’s easy. There’s gonna be times when you think the Texan language is almost impossible to master. Sometimes you’ll probably feel like you’ve been drug through a knothole backwards, but that’s okay. We ain’t the overly judgmental types. Well, some of us are, but most of them that judge are all hat and no cattle or damn fools.
Just do your best to settle in, try not to act like a damn fool and remember we’re always fixin’ to do something around here.
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