The Love I Have For You Now

It’s impossible for me to describe in words how much I love you, but I’m going to try anyway.

It’s a funny thing. We, you and I, have been sharing our lives all these years and something deep inside me this morning is telling me I never tell you enough how much I care.

Yeah, I do my best to show you at times. I was always taught it’s better to show someone how much you love them instead of just saying the words. And yet for me, words are my business. So I think it kind of stands to reason I should use them to express how much I love you.

Sometimes, fundamental bad habits learned when I was young are still hard to break. For many years I was a do, not say, kind of fellow. I was quick to buy you flowers, but the cat viewed the floral arrangements as her personal snack bar.

It was always a wager between us as to which one would have to clean up puke and hairballs the next day.

I still get you sappy cards on your birthdays. I bring you coffee on the weekends fixed just how you like it. I help with the laundry. Not that I don’t try to tell you at times, but I’m always hoping my actions will continue to speak louder than my words.

I go shopping with you, but let’s face it love. You and I both know I could be sitting alone in the office writing. But I think you know, at least I hope you do, why I go. I go just because I want to be with you.

It’s hard not to want to be around my best friend, my lover and my wife.

This morning as I sipped my coffee, Something inside kept screaming at me to do better, because just showing you how much I love you is not enough.

It.Is.Not.Enough.

The sadness welling up inside me this morning is wrapped in biting pangs of shame. I’m ridden with shame and guilt because deep down I know I don’t tell you enough how much you mean me.

I should you know.

Something keeps hammering at me this morning; reminding me we may not get many more chances to tell each other how much we care. Oh, I don’t think our warranties have expired yet baby, but neither of us can predict the future and I think it’s time I stop taking life, and more importantly you, for granted.

I could have never dreamed I’d ever have the capacity to love another person as much as I do you.

I don’t believe I can ever say this enough times.

Only you understand how distracted a human being I am in the mornings. You force yourself to get up when I do before the rooster wakes. And though you haven’t gotten all the kinks out of your back you lay out my clothes and then hobble into the kitchen. You pack my lunch and bring me a bottle of cold water while I’m getting ready.

All this you do silently, repetitively, and without complaint.

Why?

Because you know how difficult conversation is for me in the mornings. You know I’m thinking about writing. I’m thinking about shit I have to do at the side hustle. I’m thinking about writing. You know this about me after all these years. You wait patiently in silence until I start to leave for my side hustle and only then do you tell me how much you love me and ask me to drive careful.

You have never missed a single day telling me how much you love me…never.

After all these years it’s been your commitment and love that’s allowed me to be the person God always intended me to be. Well, let’s put a little caveat out here okay? I’m trying to be the person God wants me to be, but your love and attention is definitely letting me be the person I want to be.

And for once in my damned life I feel complete and whole.

It’s because of you.

I know it’s because of your unyielding, sometimes frustratingly persistent and unwavering love for me that has helped me become who I am.

This morning I was thinking how much I would miss being away from you or you from me. The thought of losing you, or me never again being with you, terrifies me; fills me with such a terrible ache in my chest I can hardly breathe.

It’s really hard to fathom how I could love someone so hard, so deeply, the mere thought of losing that person paralyzes me with anguish.

But that’s exactly what’s happening this morning.

I stare at the chair you usually sit in when we have a glass of wine and share conversations about anything and everything. We’ve been enjoying those times for so long. Even now I envision you sitting there, laughing when I crack some stupid joke or telling me about one of the kids and their issues.

They always have issues don’t they babe?

I’m sitting here sipping my coffee and images of you flash through my mind. You don’t even have to be here for me to feel your presence. You’re everywhere in the house. I look at the furniture, the paintings, the china cabinet and the china you love so much and I see you. I gaze at all the accent pieces you’ve strategically placed everywhere in the kitchen and can’t help but shake my head and smile.

You thought they were pretty and I reminded you they would serve no useful purpose and just collect dust.

I didn’t win that argument.

Looking at them now I’m so glad I didn’t.

Everywhere I turn I see you and think how very blessed I am to have you in my life. I tell myself how great it is to be loved by such a wonderful, intelligent and beautiful woman.

But most times I don’t think I deserve this kind of happiness, and many times I sit wondering how in the hell I got so lucky. How in the hell could you possibly love a person like me?

There’s nothing special about me. I’m just an old fart trying my best to give you what you deserve in life. I’m sure as hell not rich. I have so many personal demons the script writers from Supernatural call me on a regular basis. I’m moody sometimes, introspective most times, sullen and petty a lot, and yet you still love me.

And I love you.

I’m not going to say I love you too. You traditionally beat me to the punch on telling me (and showing me) how much you care.

But not this time baby, not this time.

For what it’s worth and with every fiber of my being,

I love you.

Three words I’ve always thought were passe and nothing more than a cliche, autonomic response, three words that have such a special meaning to me now.

The love I have for you now possesses much of the same emotion as when I first met you, but it’s so much stronger. It has so many different nuances and subtleties. I need you to understand how so very important these three words are to me now.

Know in your heart what I’m thinking when I say them. Tell yourself I’m thinking these thoughts every single day of my life with you.

Because I am.

I love you.

Let’s keep in touch: paul@pgbarnett.com